Porn,dogs,traffic lights and pirates

            It is now Visit Malaysia 2007 according to several key spokespersons in our Ministry of Making Money out of Gullible Western Tourists.In promoting Malaysia,various ads have been posted on billboards throughout the nation for people of all walks to stare at while stuck in traffic jams.Videos have been put up on their website too,showcasing a brilliant myriad of cultures from all races in our racially harmonious of a country,Malaysia.

            While their efforts are certainly commendable,I feel that there is area for improvement.I say this because we have not tapped in the true marketing potential of Malaysia.For instance,why do we not promote the fact that Malaysia has the biggest thriving piracy industry in the world?Every year,piracy saves millions of consumers millions of ringgit by providing a cheap and readily available alternative to entertainment,be it Hollywood movies, or the latest Sony Playstation game.Thus with the money saved,Malaysian consumers have more buying power for their ringgit,and this in turn will boost the flow of ringgit within the nation and strengthen the ringgit.

            Let’s not be secretive of the obvious fact that tourists stand to benefit from piracy.An original DVD in a country like Ireland,for example will cost roughly 20 Euros,which after conversion is equivalent to about RM 92.The apek who has bad breath and wears a gold chain with a dragon-shaped pendant at Sungai Wang Plaza sells the pirated versions of the same DVD containing the exact same content at the exact same quality for RM 15,and sometimes RM10 if you bargain well and wear a spaghetti strap.This means that the Irish person can potentially buy 8 more DVDs for the same amount of money back in Ireland.If you are a pampered rich momma’s boy and don’t understand the implication,this means that the foreign consumer will save.A.Lot.Of.Money.

            Since piracy is already a huge problem which doesn’t seem to be solved soon,I say let’s make the most out of it and exploit the opportunity for improving our tourism industry.As they say,the Chinese have the same word for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity to make money’.My vision for the future is seeing tourists shipping back huge containers of pirated stuff back to their country and starting their own business there.Think about it.Not only will this also increase business for our local shipping companies but all peripheral industries like CD and DVD manufacturers as well as companies who produce digital-copying hardware and software will stand to gain from this and thus increasing also the government’s revenue through tax.It’s WIN-WIN!Think about it,open your minds!

            For many years now,the government has tried to track down the hidden warehouses and clandestine factories which produce thousands upon thousands of pirated software and entertainment media.While the efforts of the police are commendable,I think we are overlooking a very obvious fact.Have you ever thought of the technology these pirates have in their hands?Let’s ponder about it for a moment.There are multinational conglomerates worth billions of dollars which manufacture their product,be it a CD album or a DVD movie,and sell them at high prices which though affordable by the average consumer,is greatly annoying.What does this mean?

            This means that the technology that they use to manufacture their product gives rise to such high costs that they have to sell at high prices in order to make a profit.But wait a minute,what about the pirates in Malaysia?They sell their products at absurdly low prices.For instance,an original CD album will cost around RM 30 to RM 40.But a pirated one only costs RM 5 to RM 10!If you follow closely,this means that the pirates, through their R & D department have come up with a way to produce CDs at a much lower cost,thus enabling them to sell at low prices and effectively compete with the international conglomerates.

            It is so obvious and yet we have missed it all this while!So,my proposal is this.Instead of cracking down their operation and arresting them,let’s have an open dialogue and sign an agreement with them which will result in the government gaining the secrets of their technology in exchange for freedom to conduct their operations.Once we do that,we immediately obtain an international patent and then market the technology internationally.What will result?Obviously international brands will flock to purchase our patent because it lowers their costs.This means that whatever they choose to produce and sell using our technology,we stand to gain a profit from it!I am not much of a businessman,but realistically,if we earn 1% of every CD sold by a recording label like EMI or from every game sold by Sony,taking into account that they earn BILLIONS per annum,by the end of the fiscal year,we will be flying around in our private jets because the tyres in our Ferraris are flattened from ferrying our rich fat butts from sauna to sauna.The opportunity is there,let’s go for it.

            And lastly,let’s not ignore the man on the street,the walking pirate selling his contraband by approaching customers at hawker centres and famous streets like Petaling Street and Chow Kit.If we follow through with the above plan,then it also makes sense to legalize piracy.This will mean that those interested in selling pirated media will have to register their business as a legitimate one.Any fool will rather be legitimate and pay a one time nominal registration fee than running away from the authorities all his career.Again,the government will gain through taxation from the income of those businesses.

You may notice by now that most walking pirates are young adults.By legalizing this industry,the youth of today will be encouraged to drop out of school and be entrepreneurial and business-savvy.This is parallel with the government’s efforts to encourage local businesses to bloom in Malaysia and with the recurring problem of university graduates with unemployable degrees,this is indeed very timely.

            Another problem which I wish to address is porn,a taboo of our society.Make no doubt about it,porn is a filthy and degrading thing which has become a disease in many a man’s mind.The problem becomes more complicated when scientists have ascertained that there is a gene in the genetic make-up of a male that induces his brain to seek out porn whenever and wherever he can find it.The scientists,all men,have concluded that the need and lust for porn is not the man’s fault.Amen on that.Let’s not bring that up anymore.

            But this still leaves us with a huge problem.Pornographic material is now available everywhere and too readily so,if I may add.As a society,we cannot stop the influx of pornographic material in our black markets ,for that is too big a logistical problem.The Internet is being perceived these days as an information superhighway but in reality,it is a superhighway of porn.There are more porn sites than online medical journals,not that I have checked,of course.So like your pimples,pornography is here to stay.

However,we can subtly change the perception of porn in its’ consumers,mainly men and a minority of very liberal women.Before I go further,let’s review a famous psychological experiment done by a dude name Pavlov.

            For the unfamiliar,Pavlov conducted an experiment which involved conditioning a dog to salivate at the sound of a bell.This he did by sounding a bell near the dog every time before he fed it..This Pavlov continued many times over.After an extended period of similar repetitions,the dog became ‘conditioned’ to salivate whenever he heard the bell,and whether or not food followed thereafter was of no consequence to the initial salivation.

            This phenomenon of conditioning is actually a normal one that occurs within ourselves.For instance,we are all conditioned to ‘go’ at the sight of a green light and a red light signals the command ‘stop’.Simple as it may seem,it is an example of conditioning and a very powerful one indeed.Try the following experiment with your friends.Attach a green light above one door and a red light above an adjacent door.The closer the lights resemble traffic lights the better.Now blindfold your friends and lead them towards these two doors.At about 6 feet away from the door,keep them blindfolded and tell them that they have a free choice of whatever door they can choose to enter,and that there is no difference in the rooms which the doors lead to and more importantly,there is no trap or trickery involved.Don’t mention the lights.Untie the blindfolds and see which door they choose.Statistically,due to conditioning,more people will favour the door with the green light above.

            So how do we use the phenomenon of conditioning to our favour?First let us ponder for a moment our education system.Have you ever felt like just dozing off,falling into a coma or dying when you were in a classroom or lecture theatre and your teacher or lecturer was,with all due respect,as boring as trying to watch a baby worm grow to adulthood?I mean sure,he could be a brilliant academician who writes textbooks and research papers on his subject of teaching,but there is not just a line between a brilliant person and a good instructor,there is an entire Great Wall of China with armed sentries every hundred feet.

            I had a teacher once who had a voice so monotonous you could record it and sell it as a cure for insomnia and you would be a billionaire by tomorrow.There was absolutely NO DIFFERENCE in her tone.Whether giving an instruction or giving birth,she sounded exactly the same.You could drink an entire gallon of coffee and shoot yourself with amphetamines that morning,the moment you sat through half an hour of periodical tables and chemical equations with her,you would be half dead.She was so bad,she could bore an unwanted foetus to self-abort.There was no subject on earth that she could make interesting.Not even porn.

            Aha,you see where I am going now.In order to psychologically condition men of porn,why don’t we get boring teachers like her to star in porn movies which will absolutely bore men to deat….whoa..wait wait..let me backtrack here.Sorry about that.

            Aha,you see where I am going now.In order to psychologically condition men of porn,why don’t we get boring teachers like her to teach the subject of Sex Education and Pornography ( SEP) to boys at an early age?Teachers will be encouraged to use as many visual and multimedia aids as possible to enhance the conditioning effect.After 12 years of school learning various facts,figures,graphs,equations and writing essays, answering multiple-choice-questions in pornography exams,men will come to regard porn the same way many regard the subjects they were taught at school.A forgotten,tiresome,pointless and obsolete subject,like Add Maths and Moral Studies.A subject that is connected to the memories of fighting hard not to fall asleep and of watching pictures of naked ladies through heavy eyelids and tears of boredom.The result is of course,men being conditioned to immediately spurn pornography for after years and years of laborious repetitions of pointless exams and criminally boring teachers,they become bored of pornography.Success!

            I will like to end my article here with a disclaimer : This has been for entertainment and comedy purposes only.I do not for a single moment support piracy.To prove this,I will set up a website promoting anti-piracy propaganda.The website will be filled with awesome effects and HTML produced by software I bought from Imbi Plaza.I also do not support pornography,and have endeavoured to stem the influence of such materials by confiscating all my friends’ stashes of porn and safekeeping them in my house.

            Okay seriously,I do not support piracy.Belilah Ori.Buy Original.And as for porn,let’s be grown up and avoid it,for it demeans women.And I have a girlfriend.I love you Komella!But I do want to point out that although this article has been produced just for my own personal amusement and largely composed of words and sentences shooting out from my arse,I have one question for you.

            Isn’t it scary that it actually makes some sense?

If you can read this,you are a loser

            Many of us these days have an online profile.You know,those little things you put up on Friendster,Facebook or the likes,telling the world how superbly unique you are by doing exactly what a billion other people are doing.It’s the new trend,and like many new trends these days which keep popping up,like celebrity marriages, reality tv, celebrity marriages on reality tv, the Internet, SMS, teenage suicide, democracy, pyramid schemes and free porn, this one is definitely here to stay.

Everyone’s doing online profiles.A quick check on Friendster will reveal the profiles of high level politicians,even Dr. Mahathir!Of course,one must wonder whether he is getting on with age,as no one in their right mind would approve of such profanity laden testimonials on their profiles,and certainly not from fellow politicians,his family and his wife!Of course,one might doubt the authenticity of these profiles,as any Joe Average on the street can concoct such a profile,but who has time to spend mindlessly typing nonsense and putting it up on an Internet website just for laughs?

            But the one thing worth discussing here is the subtle and sneaky ways people have started to use profiles.Have you ever seen a profile where the user,usually a female and a good-looking one at that,deliberately puts up a photo of herself alongside her trusty female sidekick,who happens to be unfortunate enough to be uglier than the user.And the Good Looking One captions her photo as : ‘ Me and my cute/pretty/gorgeous friend!’

            My first thought upon encountering such a profile was , ‘Wow she is HOT!”.After the initial awe had died down,and I had cleaned myself up,I then began to make a more surreal and objective adjustment. “Wow she is UGLY”.And it’s not like I have anything personal towards the Ugly Duckling,as I myself possess the physical attractiveness and sexual magnetism of a collection of haemorrhoids,but the relative comparison of the two just makes matters worse for the poor gal.I mean,the hot one looks THAT much hotter when placed next to the her ugly companion,who looks THAT much worse.It’s like comparing body fat percentage between me and a pen.

            That is just self promotion at its sneakiest.Even Pepsi and Coca Cola wouldn’t do that.The best either company would do is just say “Here is our drink,it is the best in the world”. In all fairness,I suppose one can’t really say , “I am the best looking gal in my group of friends”,as that will produce a catfight even World War 2 veterans would fear to interfere,but still,how dare she?How dare she be so superficial and heartless?Here is a gal who obviously knows she’s good looking and she shamelessly introduces to the whole world her ‘cute’ friend who is as cute as my ingrown toenail!

            And the caption in itself is the most devilish and cruel of all.By referring to her ugly friend as ‘gorgeous’ ,and herself who is good looking as just ‘Me’,that is just rubbing salt,pepper,paprika, and industrial strength hydrochloric acid into an already festering wound.Just for the record,such a thing won’t happen to boys,as an act like that will be described as “Totally Gay’ and that message will be conveyed to the perpetrator of so heinous an act through the medium of fists to his face and knees to his testicular region.And who’s to say industrial strength hydrochloric acid won’t be involved at all?

            What about those people who are so full of themselves they actually put up photos of themselves which are so obviously Photoshopped to the point of absolute shamelessness.For many years now,young egomaniacs have tapped into the potential of photo-editing software to digitally enhance their picture.Adobe Photoshop for example,allows you to include special effects which may involve creating artificial lens glare,blurring or sharpening of objects,superimposing ,calibration of  the hue and tone and most important of all,removal of pimples.

Then there’s the poses they strike in those photos.Jesus tap-dancing Christ.I mean,the odd goofy pose once in a while is okay.Like when you put two ‘horns’ behind your friends’ heads.Or when a guy makes a face which conveys the complex emotion of constipating and herniating at the same time.Or when a girl shows her bra.It’s all okay.But not when you give a sideways glance to the camera and give a half smile as if you are good looking,with a face that is supposed to say , “Hey baby,look at me,I’m hot.Buy my line of perfume”,but instead shows your bad teeth and acne.Or what about those really really self absorbed individuals who take a picture of just their face,but THEY ARE NOT LOOKING AT THE CAMERA.Instead,they are staring wistfully into space,showing thoughtful and endearing emotions.I find that funny because,at the time the picture is taken,they are not thinking of thoughts like , “How do I end world hunger?” or “ I feel so…..philosophical today”.Instead what they are thinking of is , “ Okay,if I tilt my head this way and smile,I can hide my puffy cheeks and my 3 large moles”.

For all those below-average looking people out there,you know how when you take a bunch of pictures of yourself at all sorts of angles and usually most of the pictures make you look like rubbish,as in actual pieces of garbage people throw out?But there is always That One Photo,that particular one that by some stroke of luck and incredibly good lighting ( total darkness usually works for me) actually makes you look socially acceptable and you immediately think to yourself , “ I soooo have to upload this online NOW”.Would you believe me if I said that there are actually people who take 5018273017 times as many photos a normal person would just to compile a plausible amount of photos that make them look prettier than normal?If you don’t,then you are exactly that kind of person.

Which is a danger really.I once had a female friend named Joanne Low Yan Lee who for her sake of privacy we shall refer to as Miss X who had been going on and on for months about this friend of her friend’s who is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous,with smooth skin,anime-like hair and that dangerous,bad boy look about him.Of course,she had only saw him online on his Friendster profile and the only thing she knew about him was through his testimonials,many from girls who described him as “leng chai”,”sexy man”,”bootlicious”,etc etc,all bordering on the pornographic.

When they finally met at a gathering at Starbucks,Miss X nearly puked her coffee into her remaining coffee.The cruel irony was that this particular dude,whom I shall refer to as Mr. X instead of Justin Teoh Boon Chuan, had the complexion and skin texture of a rotten pineapple.His bad boy demeanour came from several years of evading the law while selling highly illegal yet very much sought after pirated porn VCDs.All his female ‘friends’ referred to him as ‘the sexy one’ out of sarcasm and out of the fact that every single one of them had rejected his advances.After her coughs and sputters,suddenly Miss X began laughing.I felt a bit disturbed,as clearly this was a bit rude.Mr. X was after all,a stranger she had just met.I reprimanded her for her superficiality.She then apologized and clarified, “It’s just so bloody funny ‘cause he’s actually better looking than you!”.On a totally unrelated subject,Miss X is from house number 12, SS 4C, Kelana Jaya and has a nose the size of Nigeria.

            I realize I may have been too cynical in my tone.I apologize.In all fairness,online profiles do have their perks.Like when I browse through carefully composed profiles,furnished with sharp editing and complete mastery of HTML,CSS and what not,all coming together to deliver a well-decorated and beautiful profile with flowers,confetti,animated testimonials,amusing GIFs,embedded video,background music,brilliant and interesting photos all categorized in hundreds of different albums,number of contacts/friends usually exceeding 300,testimonials,comments and notes from friends reaching the thousands and last but not least,lengthy and detailed essays about themselves and their unique personality and individuality.And as I browse through pages upon pages of bright colours threatening to blind my eyes and burn a hole in my computer screen,I can’t help but think : -

            Losers.

            If you have enough time to put up such a brilliant profile,then you have time to socialize and have a life.Go out.Talk to an actual living,breathing PERSON.Gossip.Bathe.Fantasize about the opposite sex.Do something you can be proud of.Many years from now,will you tell your grandkids,”Hey,when I was your age,I had an awesome online profile”? Or when you are lying on your deathbed,you ain’t gonna say , “Damn,I wish I jazzed up my HTML on my Friendster account”.If you got that last joke,you NEED TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

            We are often called the Kiasu Generation and for good reason.We like to do it all,and then more.We tend to overachieve,which is a good thing,for it guarantees a good chance of success.Like when you study two chapters ahead of the teacher’s pace,or when you sit for 50 SPM exams instead of the normal amount of 10 or 11.However,some people have taken this concept the wrong way and applied it to online profiling.These are the people who have More Than One online profile.I am not talking about say,having a Friendster account and a Facebook account at the same time.I am talking about having 250 separate Friendster accounts.How many friends can one have?I once saw a girl with 2 Friendster profiles and her combined number of friends from both profiles nearly reached a thousand.Now correct me if I am wrong,but if you have close to a thousand friends, (that’s 100 times 10 for all you Arts students), you are either a celebrity,or have a very severe psychological deficit.Limit your number of friends to about a hundred or so.Pass the rest along to me.

            The other day I went to London to visit my friend,Selina Sharmalar Solomon of Biomedical Engineering at Imperial College,UK (not her real name,course or college).The politically correct term to describe her is “Facebook Whore”,and I feel that it has taken over her life.The moment I met her for the first time in a long while,she immediately exclaimed, “OH MY GAWSH,I have not seen you for so long…on Facebook”.I replied that Facebook didn’t appeal to me,and she replied with the most dangerous sentence in all of Womankind - ”Oh”- in a tone that suggested that I had defecated on her bed.To fill in the awkward silence that followed,I decided to ask her about the virtues of Facebook : -

            “See see,it’s so cool,you can write on your friends’ wall!And you can also check ‘wall to wall’ and see what others have replied to each other’s wall!Cool right?Faster go write something on my wall!”And if you look at your friends’ photos,you can move your mouse over their faces and their NAMES WILL APPEAR!Cool right?And if you CLICK on their face,you can immediately see their profile!Cool right?And look look,you can give gifts to your friends! *moves mouse pointer over a Teddy Bear icon the size of a thumbnail*.If you click here,your friend will receive the gift!Cool right?And if you want someone’s attention,you can poke that person!Cool right?See,this fella has poked me.So I will poke him back.I tell you,I have been poked by him and his friends for like,50 times last week.I better go mention that on his wall.Cool right?Hey,it’s already 5am in the morning,and you’re sitting with me learning all about Facebook!Let’s post a note about that,and let me change my status to :’Teaching an ignorant friend about Facebook’.Cool right?

            Another interesting experience I had was when I met this girl at a random motivational seminar.During the seminar we were separated into groups for our workshops,and we got to talking.Nothing out of the ordinary,just normal conversation.After the seminar,I went home for dinner and after which I went online,fulfilling my daily fix of Net surfing.When I got to my Friendster account,lo and behold,there was already a friend request from that girl.Which was kinda odd and quick too.I would have thought she was a stalker if I were good looking.I approved the friend request,because that is part of the unspoken Friendster rules.You ALWAYS approve a friend request,even if that ‘friend’ is someone you really hate or is a known rapist.At around midnight,I got an email telling me that there was already a testimonial for me from that girl!At this point,all clues led to her being an actual stalker.Upon reading that e-mail,I swear,I got in front of the mirror and examined myself.”Hmm,maybe I have lost a bit of weight”.I then got to the testimonial for me,which was rather disappointing as it contained vague words like ‘friendly’, ‘nice’ and phrases like ‘had fun together’ and ‘pleasure to meet you’.That testimonial could have been written for anybody.And then I got to the last sentence of the testimonial which was : “Make sure you write a testimonial for me too okay?”

            To this day,I remember NOTHING about that girl other than her testimonial,who obviously is a testimonial collector.I then browsed her profile and read the testimonials she had written for other people,and there was the truth for those who bothered to look : -Her testimonials for almost half of her ‘friends’ were the one and the the same,verbatim right down to the last request for a testimonial for her.I felt kinda sad because well…apparently I DIDN’T lose weight.

             So my friends,the next time you go online,ask yourself,are you spending too much time on the Internet asserting your unique individuality?Are you gazing too often at photos on your friends’ friends’ friends’ friends’ online profile?Have you been wasting your time reading people’s blogs?If you are,then you need a break from cyberspace.Life is not lived in a world of computers connected by fibre optics,although that can be an enriching and entertainining part of it.Travel.Take up a new hobby,or religion.Sleep around.And once you have lived your life again far from the clutches of the Net,tell me about your experiences by emailing me,posting a comment on my blog,sending me a message on Friendster,writing on my wall on Facebook,giving me a shout on MSN Messenger,Yahoo Messenger and ICQ.

Or if you’re old school,IRC.

A Period of War

Beyond your IC (part one)

            Are you Malaysian?If you were born in Malaysia,of course logically you would answer yes,you are indeed Malaysian.But is ‘Malaysian’ merely a nationality,a label to differentiate people according to citizenship?I believe that the term ‘Malaysian’ is more than just what your passport or IC says.It is an identity,which cannot be acquired through location of birth,illegal immigration,marriages of convenience or by staying in Malaysia for an X amount of years.To be truly Malaysian,one must experiences the nuances of life that only our country can offer.

            Here is a list of criteria one must comply with to be truly Malaysian.You may be a Caucasian expat who has lived in Malaysia for decades,or you can be a hip 15 year old girl with belly piercings.Anyone and everyone can fulfill these criteria.Simply said,almost anyone can be Malaysian.

1)      You must have been / still being educated in a government Sekolah Rendah or Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan.

This I believe is the most crucial initiation process of anyone who will grow up to be Malaysian.The experiences offered by government schools are absolutely vital.For instance,every government school has that Discipline Teacher,almost always male,who graduates from the School of Hard Knocks.He will brandish a nice long and thick rotan that gives an almighty swish when he rains down punishment unconditionally.Long nails will earn you two slashes on the butt and sometimes,depending on his mood,a good few slaps or two.And theres NOTHING you can do about it.If you complained to your parents about the disciplining being too harsh,they will hesitate to confront him about it for they too were once victims of their own discipline teachers.

In private schools,students are devoid of the pleasure of the discipline teacher.There,corporal punishment is deemed as barbaric.The worst punishment they do mete out is detention and official letters sent to parents,which really,does nothing.Detention is where they meet their cronies,and letters often get ‘lost in the post’.It is a paradoxical universe,where teachers hesitate to punish and are afraid of losing their jobs to complaints from parents who pay the equivalent of the national debt of Czech Republic to keep their precious princes and princesses in school.I feel sad for these kids.They will never experience the sheer exhilaration of playing truant and inventing excuses to save our butts from the rotan.They will never tremble in fear and wet their underwear when the Discipline Teacher stares them down like little maggots he would sooner squish with his shoe than give the time of day.They will never enjoy seeing the utter humiliation of fellow trouble-makers at the hands of the Discipline Teacher,bending over and letting the rotan have its way with them.Or the pure,undulated amusement of being amongst the hundreds of students during assembly watching him berate the entire school for trivial matters like letting the air out of the teachers’ car tyres and throwing eggs and flour at the Headmaster’s office.

In every government school,there’s always one Weird Teacher.This character is one that is famous throughout the school but for all the wrong reasons.It’s either a teacher who can’t teach for nuts,like an English teacher who pronounces ‘air’ as in the Malay word for water,a teacher whose face resembles an ape,or the resident psychopath who talks to himself and wears make-up.And of course,the always popular Perverted Teacher.Every school has at least one,and is always male.In an all-girls school,he will be the bane of the gals’ existence,constantly looking at their chest region,through the thin baju-kurungs.In an all-boys school,he will be the fun of the party,the one who tells dirty jokes at the end of classes,shares tips with the guys and points out interesting features of his female colleagues.Will you get this in a private school,where sexual harassment lawsuits will be flung left,right and centre by conscious parents?

2)      “The dirtier the restaurant,the better the food”

Think for a moment of your favourite local eat-out place.If it’s a restaurant with air-conditioning and clean toilets,you are not Malaysian.It should be a place that is preferably open air,with lots of flies.If the toilets are absolutely disgusting with fungus growing on more fungus,you score an additional 60 points.The operators of the restaurant must be absolutely filthy to look at,with a variety of stains on their aprons.If they have no aprons,voila,another 60 points.It can even be a small nasi lemak stall set up by the local loud-mouthed makcik or the Ramley Burger stall operated by dodgy youths driving modified Kancils.Adhere to the maxim, the dirtier,the better.

I will tell you of a famous restaurant in Kuala Lumpur.Well,the term ‘restaurant’ is a bit of stretch as it is more of a small room that somehow has people selling food out of it.It is smack dab in the middle of KL,with traffic rolling just 50 cm away from the main entrance.The carbon monoxide from exhaust pipes,sulphur from the nearby construction site,dust and smoke will mix with the pungent smell of the restaurant’s ‘toilet’ to form an aroma that is potent enough to kill horses.This wonderful assault on your senses will then be complimented with the stench of sweat from unknown bodily regions of the restaurant staff.The ambience is provided by walls with their paint peeling off and moss growing in every nook and cranny,sometimes even in the armpits of the cooks.The dining music is provided by rude Hokkien uncles debating politics.

But I swear to you,the prawn noodles that they serve are the best ever.The soup sweet and spicy to the tongue,the noodles soft yet springy and the prawns fresh and succulent.Topped with hot chilli paste and sometimes hard boiled eggs,it is literally heaven in the midst of hell.You just cannot replicate the culinary experience in a clean,air-conditioned restaurant with well-trained waiters and chef,no matter how hard you try.Yes,one might wonder where exactly the good taste comes from,but as they say,ignorance is bliss.

3)      You must be an arsehole on the road

We Malaysians can spot a tourist from a mile away.He is the one who drives carefully,doesn’t kill anyone,and actually signals before he turns.That tourist,by possessing some innate gift,has actually figured out how to read road signs,which is written in an ancient language with weird diagrams that we Malaysians just cannot comprehend.I mean,what exactly does a yellow sign with an exclamation mark and the words 90 km/h actually mean?Is it trying to urgently (hence the exclamation mark) tell us to go beyond 90 km/h?Ask the tourist,he knows!And,we really need to learn how to park without obstructing an adjacent car’s path of exit.I know its abnormal,but seriously,I think double-parking may,and here I stress on the word ‘may’ cause serious inconvenience to other drivers.Maybe,I am not sure.Research is still being undertaken on this subject matter and results should be out soon.Stay tuned.

Scientists say that one of the major cause of blindness apart from trauma to the head and looking at Miss Malaysia/Universe contestants are bad diet and a lazy lifestyle.This is because our arteries become clogged,and therefore less blood goes to the retina to supply it.Soon,the retina will slowly die off,causing loss of vision.What the scientists have failed to take into account is another more serious cause of blindness.

Cars fitted with front headlamps that emit ‘white light’.

Have you ever had your corneas barbecued by cars fitted with such lights?These lights are powered by 80 million megavolts of electricity and are EXTREMELY bright.You can tell when a car fitted with such lights are nearby because suddenly,it’s daytime again.If you see such a car heading your way, TURN AWAY IMMEDIATELY unless you want your windscreen to be melted.

But I understand why some people see the need for such lights.I am also aware some of you reading this may possess such lights or know someone who does.Here’s a maintenance tip.If you think the lights are not bright enough,you can check them easily.First,with the lights switched off,bend down until you are eye level with the lights.Open your eyes as wide as possible,and try to focus very very intensely on those krypton bulbs.Try not to blink.Now,again,the important part here is to keep your eyes still very widely open,as if you are watching porn for the first time.Get a friend to start the engine,but leave the lights switched OFF.Don’t panic,for this is all part of the routine.Keep your eyes wide open.At this point,your friend should release the brake and press the accelerator as hard as possible.If done properly,you will probably see a very bright light.Thats a good sign your headlamps are working.

4)      Be proud of Manglish,but ditch it the moment you see an ang-moh

We are very proud of our accent,as if we somehow worked for years to perfect it.The true Manglish speaker can by the very simple usage of ‘lah’ , ‘mah’ or ‘hor’ can completely turn a conversation around.It can connotate sarcasm,praise,reprimand, and even seduction.For example – ‘You are very good looking”.Now,to a non-Malaysian,that sentence may only serve one purpose,that is to praise.But we Malaysians can twist it around with just one extra syllable.

For instance,if a guy were to end it with a very low-toned ‘lah’,it would immediately indicate that he is horny.If a girl were to deliver that same sentence with a slightly prolonged ‘mah’ accompanied by a discreet roll of her eyes,everyone will see that she is jealous.And lastly,if a mother were to utter that sentence to her daughter ending with a sharp ‘hor’,that will indicate that her daughter actually resembles Jabba the Hutt’s backside.

And yet,with such a powerful linguistic tool at our disposal,we would never dream of using it in the presence of foreigners.Why is that when we have Mat Sallehs for company,we never speak Manglish to them?Where do all our ‘lah’s and phrases like “ is dis your wan or my wan’ go?Suddenly,we speak normal sounding English,and our grammar becomes horribly correct and pronunciation atrociously perfect.

Perhaps maybe deep deep down inside,we realize how terribly uncool we all sound with our Malaysian accents.This is why Malaysian movies will never make it big in Hollywood.And some of us are so desperate to shed our natural accent that the moment we find a plausible excuse,we put on an accent.Perhaps that’s why we love practicing our fake accents with Westerners

I mean,you see many pretentious people who spend a week in Western countries suddenly develop an accent so thick,it’s unbelievable.Sure,an American accent sounds good on a person with Caucasian features like freckles,pink flushes,clear blue eyes,blonde hair,etc.etc.But when a guy who looks like he should sell pirated DVDs for a living suddenly says , “Hey dudes,Jessica Alba is like sooo totally hot,man I’m like so totally on that bod man.Far out!”,you just know it doesn’t go together,like wearing a thong to church.It’s just wrong.

And then on the other side of the coin,you will NEVER ever see foreigners attempt to imitate our accents.It’s physically impossible,because the moment they try it,their brain receives impulses from the muscles controlling the vocal cords,which tells the brain that “it is VERY UNCOOL to sound Malaysian“ and the brain will just shut down the muscles for a few seconds,which will render the would-be impersonator speechless.

But yet,we must stand tall and proud of our accent!Speak like true Malaysians wherever you go!Do not compromise our identity for sake of clarity!If you’re Malaysian,lets say out loud in the spirit of brotherhood, “WE CAN DO IT WAN LAH!”

And if you are a foreigner (especially if you are Australian,British or American) reading this,I say this to you with all sincereity.Try the Malaysian accent out and give us feedback.As always,just by virtue of your status as a Westerner,your opinions should always matter greatly to us.

Hor.

                                                                                          ….to be continued.

How to prevent democracy from reaching Malaysia

            We are living in turbulent times now.The human depravity,the violence,the civil wars.And that’s just the queue at a government office.We are at the apex of our civilization,and yet,there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation,I start to wonder.

            I start to wonder about the fate of our very own country,Malaysia.In case you have not kept up to date with the news,or have been playing DOTA for the last couple of years,or live in Shah Alam,I will enlighten you with these well researched facts which may startle and shock you,so please,take a moment to calm yourself,take a deep breath and take those iPOD earphones out for the time being,for really,it is a time for reflection upon the following facts,which I have mentioned before,are thoroughly researched and very profound.

1.         A lot of Muslim countries are getting their asses kicked by a foreign superpower,which shall remain unnamed in this  article,for they may become hostile and bomb the shit out of this website,delete all the articles and bring democracy to it.

2.         Malaysia is a Muslim country

3.         There are currently only 3 men enlisted in the Malaysian Army.One person mans the radars and keeps an eye out the border of Thailand and Indonesia.Should trouble arise,that person will then alert the other person,who is stationed in KL.This person will then meet up with the third person to quickly and rapidly ascertain the level of threat as early as possible.This meeting will take 8 hours.Once they agree that yes,Malaysia is in imminent danger,they will take the earliest Air Asia flight to say,the Phillipines,on government expense.Thanks to the quick,efficient service that AirAsia is well known for,they will reach the luggage scanning area in about a decade or so.They could have taken MAS,but they probably won’t have enough houses to sell.

            And with this facts in mind,I think it is very worthwhile that we discuss the appropriate measures that we civilians can take in case that unnamed country should ever attack us.We can’t depend on the Army,for by the time we’re attacked ,our Army will be stuck at the airport furiously demanding for a refund.

            Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate.Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game.You can only get to it by stumbling upon it.NO ONE knows where Malaysia is,despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world.We have tried everything.Hosting the Commonwealth Games,building an F1-level track circuit,dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole,getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world,etc etc.But yet,people don’t know where Malaysia is.The Government’s efforts have been for naught.

              Some might say , “We’ve tried everything.What to do,they are ignorant”.But to me,this is not constructive criticism.I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win,we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world.The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia,with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green,while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink.Each country should be labeled with clear,block letters except Malaysia,which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS  M A LA Y S I A’.This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards,they not only know immediately where Malaysia is,but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”.

            Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Are we ready to attack Malaysia?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Yes.The men are ready.The vehicles and artillery are ready.This invasion

                                                should take no longer than 2 days.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Good job.How long will it take to move our troops there?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     There?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Yeah.There.Malaysia

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Uh,I thought you handled that.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is!

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Hell I don’t either!Shit,this could be a logistic problem.You sure you have no

                                                idea?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Well,I’m pretty sure it’s in Asia,because of the suffix –sia and the end,but then

                                               again,Tunisia is nowhere near Asia.Well,someone told me it’s below

                                                Thailand.And it’s above Singapore.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Wait!If that intelligence is true…hmm..are you thinking what I am thinking?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Ah yes,I see!If Malaysia is above Singapore and below Thailand,it means it’s

IN UNISON                       : ……BETWEEN SINGAPORE AND THAILAND!

*they both exchange high-fives*

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Alright,to be sure,let’s check the computer

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Okay..the computer says that yes,indeed,West Malaysia is a peninsula situated

                                                 between Singapore and Thailand.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Wait…west?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Yeah,the East of Malaysia is situated below the Phillipines,and it shares borders

                                                with Brunei and Indonesia.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Yeah…separated by the South China Sea

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     So Malaysia is near China then?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     Not quite actually.The South China Sea is to the immediate south of

                                                Thailand,Myanmar and Cambodia.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Alright,enough with this crap.We can’t allow unimportant details like geography

                                                to hinder the destructi…liberation of Malaysia.Tommorow,we attack both

                                                East and West.And to be safe,let’s take out  Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia, 

                                                Brunei and the South China Sea.

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 :     And what about Thailand?

TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 :     Leave it.End of year vacation.

            Thus,the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong.But that still leaves us with the other half.But again,rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on.Imagine now,the invading army on the horizon,marching on the horizon,guns at the ready.This is how we Malaysians respond : -

            We gather a thousand or so expendable people.By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress,and hence,will not be missed,for example, national football players,Proton engineers,students in Business and History,Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff.We get them to charge madly across the battlefield,scream in fury,and maybe yell out a battlecry or two,some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this).But here’s the secret.We give each person a weapon.A weapon of incredible power and destruction.

            A durian.

            Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb.The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself,which will then followed by fainting,convulsions,coma and death.This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell.Many moons ago,and I swear this is true,an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt.The second stunt,as many of you not living in Shah Alam know,is considered the Gross Stunt,where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches,intestines,maggots,penises,live worms,brains,eyeballs,fish eggs,wow are you still reading this?,century eggs,tables,chairs,babies,small children,etc etc.

            I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence.For us Malaysians,it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits.

Can you imagine,if by some major slip up at NBC a Malaysian contestant ends up on that exact episode?He couldn’t be more happier if he were a Catholic priest and you asked him to babysit some kids.

Joe Rogan (wearing a gas mask) :  And now,for the second stunt,we have something extremely gross for you to   

                                                     eat.It’s so stinky it has been banned in several public places and it’s               

                                                     considered a delicacy in several countries,all of which I do not know their

                                                     location.Are you ready?                                                     

Malaysian : *internal dialogue*      Wah shit man,please don’t make me eat penis man.

Joe Rogan :                                   Here it is…The King of Fruits, the thorny DURIAN!!!!

Other contestants :                         *GASP*….What the hell is that?

Malaysian :                                    Eh?

Other contestants :                         Jesus Christ,look at the thorns and everything!Jim,you see    

                                                      that,Jim?Jim?Jim?Oh shit Jim wake up damnit wake up!Don’t die on me

                                                      Jim don’t..oh Jesus,what’s that smell?It’s goddamn … stin..      

                                                      smel…urk!argh!...blorpk…..*silence*.

Malaysian :                                     Er excuse me ah…what’s the catch?

Joe Rogan :                                    Catch?what catch?The only catch is that it’s disgusting,smelly and you have

                                                      to eat it while I stand aside  and be judgmental.

Malaysian :                                     Er…we can open up the durian and eat it..right?

Joe Rogan :                                    What the…?Of course you can!As a matter of fact,you must!

Malaysian :                                      Okay…….so the yellow yellow thing we eat la?

Joe Rogan :                                     Er….DUH?

*silence*

Malaysian :                                      Oh okay okay wait wait wait…I get it now…..inside got worm is it?

Joe Rogan :                                      No,the producers have decided it’s disgusting enough as it is.

Malaysian :                                      Okay set!Come come let me eat!

*the durians get absolutely violated*

Malaysian :                                      Ahhhh..hey are you going to finish that?You seem like you need my help

Other contestant :                            You wanna help?…..But it’s a competition..and..hey why

                                                        aren’t you wearing your mask?

Malaysian :                                     Aiyah come let me help you!See you at the final stunt,the more the merrier

                                                      mah!Eh how about you?Can finish your durian or not?Pass it over here!

                                                      Ah you also pass it here!

*the durians meant for other contestants are also violated*

Malaysian :                                   Hey Mr. Rogan,you guys got anymore left I can tapau home?

            And so that’s our first line of defence,opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers.The combination of the thorns,yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading.

Soldier :            Sergeant!Sergeant!We have to retreat!They’re throwing stuff at us!

Sergeant :         Throwing what?Fragmentation grenades?Petrol bombs?

Soldier :            No sir,it’s…it’s hard to explain…its green,has thorns and the smell has already knocked out

                         4th Infantry Unit and some tan-

Sergeant :         SHOOT!!!DOO-REE-YEANNES!!GET THE MEN OUT OF THERE!These things could kill

                         us! 

Soldier :            What exactly do these doo-ree-yeannes do sir?

Sergeant :         Well,there was this one time,on a Fear Factor episode….

            .

I understand this line of defence may cause some consternation among the public.Some may think that assembling a  thousand of so-called expendable Malaysians into a crack team of durian-wielders to face an army equipped with guns,tanks and heavy artillery will lead to an inevitable massacre that will cause global outcry and condemnation and cast Malaysia as a savage 3^rd World nation.I say to this people,get over it.This is war,and war comes with a price.We must not linger on the issue of the sacrifice we have to make,but rather,focus on the future that is guaranteed by that very sacrifice.Besides,we can always get durians again the next season.

The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force.In an ideal situation,if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers,we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own.But alas,we cannot afford to waste too many durians.

And so the invading force moves forward,encroaching on our turf.At this point,we stay patient and bide our time,as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital.As any military strategist will tell you,an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport.This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital.

But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind.Curious,they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira,honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway.According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances,everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways.Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes,reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond.If you don’t know a person that fits that description,then according to The Law, you are that person whom everyone knows as that guy who drives as fast as petrol prices go up.

Back to the highway.The person in the car is thinking,who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK!

At this point,the tank commander will be in a dilemma.This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky,but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique,the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank,and thus putting it at a weird distance,which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it.And so,the commander,after many years of blasting shit into oblivion,moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway,and allows the Malaysian to pass.I know what you’re thinking.Never even bother to put the signal.

And so,the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion,with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute.The commander,calling upon years of experience,punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front.And after a few milliseconds,the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal.The tank driver,his finger already on the FIRE button,wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then –

BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes,the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously.The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind.To drive up next to the Proton Wira,place his Mercedes side by side,stare at the Wira driver and then speed off,leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke,because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class.

That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways.One by one,the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death.By now,we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low,like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners.And even if,and this if a big IF here,if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on,we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on.

Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur.Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital,like the Twin Towers,Bank Negara,Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters,Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel,several crucial mamak stalls.

But they will never get there.

There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind.In Star Trek,we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate.In sport,we have Arsenal’s defence line.Sometimes.In popular culture,we have Tom Cruise’s ego.

In Kuala Lumpur,we have traffic jams.

Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam.You may try,but you will fail.My father is at of this moment,stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail.He started his journey at precisely 8.30am,20^th February,2002.The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL.No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works.They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets,big tractors and a LOT of cement.No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything.

Periodically,they will dig a hole in the ground,and they will stare at it.After many hours of staring,they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable.They fill it up,and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole.Again,they stare at it.Once in a while,they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones.They will arrange the cones at random around them,to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort.One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it.This will go on FOREVER.

And so my friends,know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country.Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive),but we the educated people of Malaysia know better.Look out for durian shortages,the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team),an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly,look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him.