| . We are living in turbulent times now.The human depravity,the violence,the civil wars.And that’s just the queue at a government office.We are at the apex of our civilization,and yet,there is a tangible sense of global doom that permeates the air. As I look around at the global devastation,I start to wonder. I start to wonder about the fate of our very own country,Malaysia.In case you have not kept up to date with the news,or have been playing DOTA for the last couple of years,or live in Shah Alam,I will enlighten you with these well researched facts which may startle and shock you,so please,take a moment to calm yourself,take a deep breath and take those iPOD earphones out for the time being,for really,it is a time for reflection upon the following facts,which I have mentioned before,are thoroughly researched and very profound. 1. A lot of Muslim countries are getting their asses kicked by a foreign superpower,which shall remain unnamed in this article,for they may become hostile and bomb the shit out of this website,delete all the articles and bring democracy to it. 2. Malaysia is a Muslim country 3. There are currently only 3 men enlisted in the Malaysian Army.One person mans the radars and keeps an eye out the border of Thailand and Indonesia.Should trouble arise,that person will then alert the other person,who is stationed in KL.This person will then meet up with the third person to quickly and rapidly ascertain the level of threat as early as possible.This meeting will take 8 hours.Once they agree that yes,Malaysia is in imminent danger,they will take the earliest Air Asia flight to say,the Phillipines,on government expense.Thanks to the quick,efficient service that AirAsia is well known for,they will reach the luggage scanning area in about a decade or so.They could have taken MAS,but they probably won’t have enough houses to sell. And with this facts in mind,I think it is very worthwhile that we discuss the appropriate measures that we civilians can take in case that unnamed country should ever attack us.We can’t depend on the Army,for by the time we’re attacked ,our Army will be stuck at the airport furiously demanding for a refund. Firstly we must rest in the peace of mind knowing that Malaysia is already a difficult country to invade by virtue of the fact that it’s hard to locate.Malaysia is like a the secret level or the hidden power-up mushroom in a Super Mario Bros. game.You can only get to it by stumbling upon it.NO ONE knows where Malaysia is,despite valiant efforts by our government to educate the world.We have tried everything.Hosting the Commonwealth Games,building an F1-level track circuit,dropping the Proton Wira in the North Pole,getting a Malaysian to sail by himself halfway around the world,etc etc.But yet,people don’t know where Malaysia is.The Government’s efforts have been for naught. Some might say , “We’ve tried everything.What to do,they are ignorant”.But to me,this is not constructive criticism.I feel that instead of spending billions of ringgit building infrastructures and hosting sporting events we can’t win,we should be more direct and erect billboards in all major capitals of the world.The billboards will show an appropriately labeled map of South-East Asia,with the countries surrounding Malaysia coloured in green,while Malaysia itself is coloured in neon pink.Each country should be labeled with clear,block letters except Malaysia,which will have a HUGE orange arrow pointing to it with the words ‘THIS IS M A LA Y S I A’.This method saves money and time because the moment foreign people read the billboards,they not only know immediately where Malaysia is,but they will also think , “Where the hell is South East Asia?”. Imagine the conversation between top army officials on the eve of their attack on Malaysia. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Are we ready to attack Malaysia? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Yes.The men are ready.The vehicles and artillery are ready.This invasion should take no longer than 2 days. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Good job.How long will it take to move our troops there? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : There? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah.There.Malaysia TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Uh,I thought you handled that. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Me?I don’t bloody know where Malaysia is! TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Hell I don’t either!Shit,this could be a logistic problem.You sure you have no idea? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Well,I’m pretty sure it’s in Asia,because of the suffix –sia and the end,but then again,Tunisia is nowhere near Asia.Well,someone told me it’s below Thailand.And it’s above Singapore. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait!If that intelligence is true…hmm..are you thinking what I am thinking? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Ah yes,I see!If Malaysia is above Singapore and below Thailand,it means it’s IN UNISON : ……BETWEEN SINGAPORE AND THAILAND! *they both exchange high-fives* TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright,to be sure,let’s check the computer TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Okay..the computer says that yes,indeed,West Malaysia is a peninsula situated between Singapore and Thailand. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Wait…west? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah,the East of Malaysia is situated below the Phillipines,and it shares borders with Brunei and Indonesia. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : What in the name…?There’s two Malaysias? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Yeah…separated by the South China Sea TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : So Malaysia is near China then? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : Not quite actually.The South China Sea is to the immediate south of Thailand,Myanmar and Cambodia. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Alright,enough with this crap.We can’t allow unimportant details like geography to hinder the destructi…liberation of Malaysia.Tommorow,we attack both East and West.And to be safe,let’s take out Cambodia, Myanmar, Indonesia, Brunei and the South China Sea. TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 1 : And what about Thailand? TOP ARMY OFFICIAL 2 : Leave it.End of year vacation. Thus,the confusion among the ranks on the exact location of their target will send at least half the invading forces to nearby Australia and Hong Kong.But that still leaves us with the other half.But again,rest assured for we have our natural resources to rely on.Imagine now,the invading army on the horizon,marching on the horizon,guns at the ready.This is how we Malaysians respond : - We gather a thousand or so expendable people.By ‘expendable’ I mean people who have not played a significant role in Malaysia’s progress,and hence,will not be missed,for example, national football players,Proton engineers,students in Business and History,Ah Bengs and of course, Fauziah Latiff.We get them to charge madly across the battlefield,scream in fury,and maybe yell out a battlecry or two,some good examples are “ YEARGHHHHHH!!!” and “ARGHHHHHHH!!”(Fauziah Latiff may have some pitching problems with this).But here’s the secret.We give each person a weapon.A weapon of incredible power and destruction. A durian. Have you ever seen a Mat Salleh react to a durian?It’s like putting two reactive chemicals together on a small metal plate and heating them up with a nuclear bomb.The moment the Mat Salleh sees the durian his face will immediately turn into a shade of green rivaling that of the durian itself,which will then followed by fainting,convulsions,coma and death.This is if he doesn’t choke on the pungent smell.Many moons ago,and I swear this is true,an episode of Fear Factor featured the durian as the second stunt.The second stunt,as many of you not living in Shah Alam know,is considered the Gross Stunt,where usually contestants have to eat gross stuff like cockroaches,intestines,maggots,penises,live worms,brains,eyeballs,fish eggs,wow are you still reading this?,century eggs,tables,chairs,babies,small children,etc etc. I for one cannot fathom the absurdity of placing the durian as a gross item for indulgence.For us Malaysians,it is a delicacy for crying out loud!It’s literally marked on our calendars as a day of reverence and importance as we savour the King of Fruits. Can you imagine,if by some major slip up at NBC a Malaysian contestant ends up on that exact episode?He couldn’t be more happier if he were a Catholic priest and you asked him to babysit some kids. Joe Rogan (wearing a gas mask) : And now,for the second stunt,we have something extremely gross for you to eat.It’s so stinky it has been banned in several public places and it’s considered a delicacy in several countries,all of which I do not know their location.Are you ready? Malaysian : *internal dialogue* Wah shit man,please don’t make me eat penis man. Joe Rogan : Here it is…The King of Fruits, the thorny DURIAN!!!! Other contestants : *GASP*….What the hell is that? Malaysian : Eh? Other contestants : Jesus Christ,look at the thorns and everything!Jim,you see that,Jim?Jim?Jim?Oh shit Jim wake up damnit wake up!Don’t die on me Jim don’t..oh Jesus,what’s that smell?It’s goddamn … stin.. smel…urk!argh!...blorpk…..*silence*. Malaysian : Er excuse me ah…what’s the catch? Joe Rogan : Catch?what catch?The only catch is that it’s disgusting,smelly and you have to eat it while I stand aside and be judgmental. Malaysian : Er…we can open up the durian and eat it..right? Joe Rogan : What the…?Of course you can!As a matter of fact,you must! Malaysian : Okay…….so the yellow yellow thing we eat la? Joe Rogan : Er….DUH? *silence* Malaysian : Oh okay okay wait wait wait…I get it now…..inside got worm is it? Joe Rogan : No,the producers have decided it’s disgusting enough as it is. Malaysian : Okay set!Come come let me eat! *the durians get absolutely violated* Malaysian : Ahhhh..hey are you going to finish that?You seem like you need my help Other contestant : You wanna help?…..But it’s a competition..and..hey why aren’t you wearing your mask? Malaysian : Aiyah come let me help you!See you at the final stunt,the more the merrier mah!Eh how about you?Can finish your durian or not?Pass it over here! Ah you also pass it here! *the durians meant for other contestants are also violated* Malaysian : Hey Mr. Rogan,you guys got anymore left I can tapau home? And so that’s our first line of defence,opening up durians and throwing them towards the enemy soldiers.The combination of the thorns,yellowy goo and the smell will make any enemy think twice of invading. Soldier : Sergeant!Sergeant!We have to retreat!They’re throwing stuff at us! Sergeant : Throwing what?Fragmentation grenades?Petrol bombs? Soldier : No sir,it’s…it’s hard to explain…its green,has thorns and the smell has already knocked out 4th Infantry Unit and some tan- Sergeant : SHOOT!!!DOO-REE-YEANNES!!GET THE MEN OUT OF THERE!These things could kill us! Soldier : What exactly do these doo-ree-yeannes do sir? Sergeant : Well,there was this one time,on a Fear Factor episode…. . I understand this line of defence may cause some consternation among the public.Some may think that assembling a thousand of so-called expendable Malaysians into a crack team of durian-wielders to face an army equipped with guns,tanks and heavy artillery will lead to an inevitable massacre that will cause global outcry and condemnation and cast Malaysia as a savage 3rd World nation.I say to this people,get over it.This is war,and war comes with a price.We must not linger on the issue of the sacrifice we have to make,but rather,focus on the future that is guaranteed by that very sacrifice.Besides,we can always get durians again the next season. The hail of durians will probably be enough to drive back half the invading force.In an ideal situation,if we have infinite amount of durians and infinite amount of expendable durian-throwers,we could literally repel all attackers and even conquer a few countries of our own.But alas,we cannot afford to waste too many durians. And so the invading force moves forward,encroaching on our turf.At this point,we stay patient and bide our time,as their tanks roll over the grassy knolls and hills and quickly acquire the quickest route to the capital.As any military strategist will tell you,an invading army will first endeavour to choke out the target by cutting all lines of communication and transport.This can be achieved by controlling all roads and highways that lead to the capital. But that strategy will not work in Malaysia. Within 5 minutes of the tanks rolling down our highways, they will hear a peculiar noise coming from behind.Curious,they look behind and what do they see?A typical Malaysian driver in his heavily modified Proton Wira,honking at the tank furiously for going so slow on the fast lane of the highway.According to the Law of Typical Acquaintances,everyone knows at least one person who acts like this on the highways.Everyone has that imbecile of a friend who tells tales of driving from Ipoh to Shanghai in less than 45 minutes,reaching speeds up to 160 kilometres per nanosecond.If you don’t know a person that fits that description,then according to The Law, you are that person whom everyone knows as that guy who drives as fast as petrol prices go up. Back to the highway.The person in the car is thinking,who do they think they are?You wanna invade my country?Do it at your own time!I have places to go and things to do!Now please move to the left and let me through! HONK! HONK! At this point,the tank commander will be in a dilemma.This civilian obviously deserves to be blasted to the sky,but by employing the Malaysian 2-cm Tailgate technique,the car’s front bumper is precisely 2cm behind the tank,and thus putting it at a weird distance,which is too near for the tank effectively fire at it.And so,the commander,after many years of blasting shit into oblivion,moves meekly to the the slow lane of the highway,and allows the Malaysian to pass.I know what you’re thinking.Never even bother to put the signal. And so,the tank commander then initiates the targeting system to lock on to the car that is now gaining speed and about accelerate into oblivion,with the driver already giving the one-fingered salute.The commander,calling upon years of experience,punches in the correct sequence of buttons and waits for the car to be directly in front.And after a few milliseconds,the car is now at the prime position to be turned into charcoal.The tank driver,his finger already on the FIRE button,wet with perspiration (for it is BLOODY hot in Malaysia) feels the adrenaline surge into his body and then – BOOM!The tank is smashed into the highway divider by a speeding Mercedes,the driver pissed off that a bloody Proton Wira had the audacity to overtake him 5 kilometres previously.The Mercedes driver at this point has one goal in mind.To drive up next to the Proton Wira,place his Mercedes side by side,stare at the Wira driver and then speed off,leaving the Wira in a trail of dust and smoke,because you only overtake a Mercedes if you are driving a car of similar- if not greater- caliber and class. That particular incident will happen along the entire stretch of all highways.One by one,the tanks will be crushed on our highways of death.By now,we can safely assume the morale of the enemy has dropped to a significant low,like the ratings of Malaysia Idol and the careers of the winners.And even if,and this if a big IF here,if the enemy still has the guts to pursue on,we have one final defensive mechanism to fall back on. Let’s imagine that a ragtag army of enemy transport vehicles has safely made it through the highways and are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are by now super pissed off and ready to absolutely liberate the shit out of Kuala Lumpur.Guns loaded and missiles ready at the launch, they head for several key buildings to cripple the capital,like the Twin Towers,Bank Negara,Tenaga Nasional Berhad headquarters,Mid Valley Megamall and if they are really cruel,several crucial mamak stalls. But they will never get there. There are several impenetrable forces known to mankind.In Star Trek,we have electromagnetic force fields through which nothing can penetrate.In sport,we have Arsenal’s defence line.Sometimes.In popular culture,we have Tom Cruise’s ego. In Kuala Lumpur,we have traffic jams. Nothing can get pass a KL traffic jam.You may try,but you will fail.My father is at of this moment,stuck in a traffic jam on Jalan Tun Dr. Ismail.He started his journey at precisely 8.30am,20th February,2002.The origin of traffic jams can be traced to something called ‘Construction Works’ along strategic areas of KL.No one knows the purpose of this mysterious works.They involve Bangladeshi men with yellow helmets,big tractors and a LOT of cement.No work is ever actively done with the objective of actually physically CONSTRUCTING anything. Periodically,they will dig a hole in the ground,and they will stare at it.After many hours of staring,they then decide the hole is somehow not suitable.They fill it up,and then dig another hole of similar size and shape next to the previous hole.Again,they stare at it.Once in a while,they will bring out from their trucks brightly coloured traffic cones.They will arrange the cones at random around them,to cordon off a HUGE space around them with which they can stare at holes in comfort.One or two persons will be holding up a large piece of blank paper and stare thoughtfully at it.This will go on FOREVER. And so my friends,know the signs of an ongoing invasion in our country.Our army may choose not to tell us for fear of public panic (or because international calls from the Phillipines are expensive),but we the educated people of Malaysia know better.Look out for durian shortages,the sudden disappearance of out football team (yes we have a football team),an odd number of Mercedes cars with lightly scratched front bumpers and most importantly,look out for my father and tell him that his family misses him. | 
